Today I struggled. I will just go ahead and say it. I am afraid.
My job search has not played out the way I thought it would and that causes a great deal of fear and anxiety for me. I have questioned my abilities, my ambitions, and I have questioned God’s plan and presence.
I hate feeling like this. Today I woke up and didn’t feel like hiking, which is also not like me. I did however push myself to go anyways, but every step I took felt like a huge hurdle. I wanted to quit many times. Once I got to the top I turned around and started to head back down but decided to take a break and sat down on a large flat rock and tears started gushing down my face. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I feel so selfish letting myself go to this terrible dark place, but I really do feel like I needed to cry and am glad I could get some of the emotional stress out in the form of sweat and tears.
Last night I wrote to my dear friend and she replied with a very sweet and helpful reply. Here is a snippet of the sage advice she gave me
Wow. It is clear that my family and friends know me well and care about me. It seems like everyone has more faith in me than I have in myself- I am trying to work on that.
Tonight I am babysitting, but today I tried to just nurture and take care of myself. I took a hot shower and a long nap and then baked a pan of brownies and a loaf of banana bread. I also talked to both of my parents, who like everyone else is convinced that I will be ok and that I will land a job. I know that in my heart they are probably right, but I just have a lot of self doubt right now.
That’s all for now.
Peace and Love,