Vulnerable

Today I struggled.  I will just go ahead and say it.  I am afraid.

My job search has not played out the way I thought it would and that causes a great deal of fear and anxiety for me.  I have questioned my abilities, my ambitions, and I have questioned God’s plan and presence.

I hate feeling like this.  Today I woke up and didn’t feel like hiking, which is also not like me.  I did however push myself to go anyways, but every step I took felt like a huge hurdle. I wanted to quit many times.  Once I got to the top I turned around and started to head back down but decided to take a break and sat down on a large flat rock and tears started gushing down my face.  I couldn’t hold it in anymore.  I feel so selfish letting myself go to this terrible dark place, but I really do feel like I needed to cry and am glad I could get some of the emotional stress out in the form of sweat and tears.

Last night I wrote to my dear friend and she replied with a very sweet and helpful reply. Here is a snippet of the sage advice she gave me

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Wow.  It is clear that my family and friends know me well and care about me.  It seems like everyone has more faith in me than I have in myself- I am trying to work on that.

Tonight I am babysitting, but today I tried to just nurture and take care of myself.  I took a hot shower and a long nap and then baked a pan of brownies and a loaf of banana bread. I also talked to both of my parents, who like everyone else is convinced that I will be ok and that I will land a job.  I know that in my heart they are probably right, but I just have a lot of self doubt right now.

That’s all for now.

Peace and Love,

Amber

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